forever_pretty

decisions, decisions

Tue, 05 Apr 2005 21:50:10 GMT

...waiting for the truck...

secret

Sat, 02 Apr 2005 05:57:26 GMT

it's a secret

the girl in glass is one of us...

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 05:55:21 GMT

...so there is this girl...

Running far away from here...

Sun, 13 Mar 2005 14:55:53 GMT

This is all getting rediculous. It is getting out of hand. Everything is getting worse and it is all my fault. I am coming to the end of this story, and it is going to have a shitty ending.

some people...

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 03:36:38 GMT

there are some people in this world that make me want to die...they say that family should always come first right?...well they can be the first to die then...you kill me...YOU JUST FUCKING KILL ME!!!...nothing was ever fun...nothing ever made sense...this does though, that's for sure, it does...i cannot take some things anymore...i cannot do what i need to do anymore...i cannot let myself do the things that i promised not to do ever again, but you make it so fucking hard not to just pick up where i left off...you fucking people are sending me nowhere, letting me be nothing, and delaying what has to happen...they degrade me...they rub in my face old habits...yet it is okay to not have a fucking clue why i do what i keep dong...why i keep trying to escape from it all...they are nothing but a bunch of sick fucks that need to feel what they have done...ASK me why, do not just sit and try to beat into my head the shit that you want me to hear, the questions you want answered...fuck, leave me alone for all i care...just stop what is going on because it is killing you, me, and everyone else...this is stupid, just fucking stupid...it makes no sense, to you, to me, to anyone...do not treat the blood of me with hate, fear, and sadness, for that is what has created the monster that is myself...if you saw what i see every day, it would no longer be a mystery as to why i am the way i am...do you see the things that kill me, do you feel the things that kill me, do you hear the things that kill me?...there in no problem anymore...the problems are gone..."wash your sheets you disgusting kid" is not something i want to hear every time something goes wrong in my head..."you're just a fucking drug adicted boy that does not know what the hell he is talking about", is that okay to hear from someone claiming to love you?...fuck all of what is left...fuck those who have put me here...this has been bragged on long enough...here is its end.

feel what...?

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 05:37:33 GMT

i have no idea what is all going on...things have changed quite drastically in the past week or so, and i do not yet know what exactly to make of it all...there are answers that i NEED to know, but know that i cannot have them just yet...i want to know where all of what is going on is going...HIDING IS NOT FUN WHEN IT'S NOT A GAME...you cannot help the pain being there, but you can help how you deal with what needs to be dealt with...i know what i feel, but i need to know what the other end of it all is...i have no idea what to do anymore, about this, about ANYTHING...i don't want to miss out on something so great again...i do not want to feel so guilty all of the time...certain people need to know certain things, and yet i deny you that, not out of fear, hate, or lack of knowlege, but because of love, because i care...i need help with all of this, help that only one person can give...help me understand

i'll make everyone pay...

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 00:30:58 GMT

some day...i am going to make everyone pay for all of the pain that they have put me through...the men, women, and children htat have added to the pain that i have right now will know what it is to suffer...i really do not understand the way that they could do to me the things that they have done without feeling anything, those bastards have ruined me, soiled my soul, and lacerated the clean thinking that was once me...i will never say that i am proud of what i have done to myself because of them...they will pay...they will pay in a way so unimaginable, so gruesome, and so painful that i will make them regret the torture that i have been put through...FUCK YOU...

so lost...so confused...

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 09:52:00 GMT

well it's 4:39-ish on tuesday morning...last night was my first NA meeting...and for those of you who i have kept my secrets from, i am sorry, and i do not want to lie anymore...the people there were really nice to me and have convinced me to go back...i think i will...not only because the people are wonderful, but also because they let you smoke there, and for the slight amount of smoking that i do i like it there...most of the people there are older than myself, but i find it somewhat easier to talk to someone that is a little older...i do not know why...to the people who knew of all this and helped me and cared for me, THANK YOU...and to the ones that i opted to not tell, i am sorry and i am ready now to accept your help and to let you care for me...that is the up-side...the down-side is that i am still incredibly depressed and i am not sure how much longer i can keep my eyes from seeing my own torn flesh...is it possible to respect and to hate yourself at the same time?

who the fuck cares

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 03:45:09 GMT

My parents wonder why the color red always sticks out in my mind lately, and the truth is that it has always stuck out in my mind I have just neglected to tell them. This is the same way that I neglected to tell them that I was addicted to heroin. They want to know why I would ever try such a dangerous drug, and the truth is that I simply do not know. The color red. Red is not my favorite color but it is a color that I have always loved. I love blood. The way it flows, the way it moves through my finger tips, and the way that it streams down my arm, creeping toward my elbow. The stream morbidly getting larger, thicker, and darker. As I smear the deep red liquid around on my arm it spreads to my shoulder and up to my chest. As the red spreads thicker and thicker over a larger area, my vision slowly begins to blur. It begins to fade darker and darker from a blurred array of dark reds and pale whites. It’s hard to believe that I once loved myself. I once loved everything about me. But now I’m light-headed, I can’t see anything, and my arm is warm and wet. I hope that I live to see tomorrow, but If I don’t wake up I couldn’t care less.

simple update

Wed, 22 Dec 2004 23:14:12 GMT

okay...i keep getting damn complaints that i never update my journal...so...here's your damn update...leave me questions and i'll post the answers XD...

do i stink?

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 01:54:38 GMT

okay...so Madeline thinks that i stink...i mean no offense but...WTF!!!...i smell good mother fuckers!!!...i don't care what that girl says...what kind of name is Madeline anyway?...ha...leave one telling me, on a scale of one to ten (ten being the best) how do i smell? please tell me...

the October Babble-thon...

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 23:04:25 GMT

when you all die, you will not be taking with you your souls...they will forever be mine to keep until the day that i die, and when i am dead and gone, the sorry mind in which i implant my thoughts wil have the worste life immaginable...after all, that's what happened to me...but before all of this happens i would like to say that this world is nothing more than a waste of a good excuse...what i mean by that is that, basically everything is pointless, other than love, sex, and music, people live for absolutely nothing...trying to out-do one another? is that not against the bible?...my dad has often told me, "you can choose to believe that it is just a wel written story, or you may choose to believe in the vews expressed in the bible"...but any way that you ever look at it, you will constantly notice where the loopholes of science itself have gone beyond that which the "bible" has deemed the limits of mankind...what makes more sense in this, however, is the fact that we are all just pieces of nothing, traveling endlesly through space, but no longer through time...time stopped the day that the man most people know to be "Jesus Christ", was concieved...now, if you have not yet chosen the path that your life will take other the course of at least the next two years, please take the time to realise the time that the human race is wasting by just even breathing and continuing to exist...the dinosaurs did not deplete our earth's o-zone layer, they had no opposable thumbs (so to speak) and therfore could not have had any way of creating something with such great evil that this world has become...we, human beings, have destroyed this beautiful planet, and we are damned a dark fate...when no longer the people, and living creatures walking the wretched excuse for a planet, we will be comsumed, all at once, by hate, fear, depression, and thus will end the so called EARTH...but just make damn sure that if you should ever happen to spot, on rare occasion, a priest, priestess, or member of any church for that matter, being however battered, or beaten, you do not help them, do not help them, and never assist them in any way, shape, or form...but in stead, be the one heartless and cold enough to stand and sinfully grin at him as he stares at you waiting for YOUR forgiveness for the sins he has committed against you...be the one to stand and shed not one tear for him as he was the one to make you shed you early tears...be the hopeless, misguided soul that has no purpose in life but to be the one to spit in the face of the bastard who has burned the terrible immages of this so called "Christ" into the back of your mind, which has long since those many days of hatred, corrupted your way of life, the way you see, the way you think, and the way that you choose to believe in what may, or may not, be real in this world...immortality is not what you may wish it was, nor is it the possible truth that you wish to know...when you return you will recieve word of terrible news, that our lord, our "god", our higher being (to so blatanly put it) has died...he has died, and you, in all your finest attire, were not there to witness this glorious act of defficiency...

random thoughts...whatever comes to my head...

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 01:01:57 GMT

first off..HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTIN!!!...now, down to business...i feel like dancing...i don't know why, but i do...there's a pack of skittles (half empty) sitting next to my keyboard...i can't wait til tomorrow, samantha is coming over...my dragons are basking in the rays of a heat lamp...my finger is tingly...i am drinking a milkshake malt thingy...oh man, i have good news other than that...my wrists are healed again...and it's been one whole week since "badness"...speaking of which, i hate it when people say that i have big veines, it pisses me off, well , depending on who it is, but most of the time it just flat out anoys me,unless it's like, ryan or samantha or marli, they're like the only exceptions...samantha is wonderful...my hair is poofy...i need to take shower...tai chi...hmmm what else...i was talking to the morning anouncements guy today...he said he wants to dance with me at homecoming...i can't wait til homecoming...i don't know what i am going to wear...i love Marilyn Manson...i am wearing shorts...my dad is telling me to get off the computer...so...bye for now...<3

yeah...

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 22:54:06 GMT

yeah, it's deffinately messed up my whole life...everyone that i am inclined to believe to care about me is starting to drift away farther and farther...so at about nine o'clock this morning i threw everything away...EVERYTHING...all of it...and it's been almost four days since i last did it, so now i'm getting all jittery and shaking, and throwing up (every ten minutes it's seems)...but all of you were right...it is my fault and i realize that i'm the only one who can stop all of this...so i am trying...with just about the most pain i have ever felt...but i believe that it's worth it...to the few peopel that i have basically lost all contact with...i am truely sorry for all of it...but i want to stop, and i have to stop...i know that now...

nice...

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 14:03:50 GMT

ouch...that's all...just ouch...

thanks?...

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 16:42:07 GMT

well i never really realized how much of an asshole i was...thanks for pointing it out though...makes me feel like a million bucks...

no...

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 09:27:28 GMT

i just have no clue what i'm even doing here anymore...i mean i'm a fucking failure...i have had to struggle through school since sixth grade...and now i'm not any better off...it's getting worse...everything is getting worse...not to insult or demean any of you but the only time i ever feel even a little happy, is when i talk to either kristin, ryan, or marli...i mean they're the only people that i have really ever been able to TALK to...i've been up all night thinking and i can't make any sense out of anything that i ever do...this is all too confusing now...i don't even know why i even wake up every day...i mean i don't do anything...i quit summer school because i had a damn 17 percent...i mean, WTF!!!...i can't do anything...yeah CAN'T...as in, i CAN NOT do this anymore...i can't take it...i can't take anything anymore...i'm pointless...don't bother posting a comment...chances are, it'll make me feel worse for being an ass...

Ryan...

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 13:34:40 GMT

i miss Ryan...i haven't seen him in like, forever...he needs to get his computer loving, megabyte infested, 1337 mutated self home so that i can see him...i miss that boy so much...

admiration...

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 13:39:32 GMT

you know who's the fucking sexiest man in the whole entire world that no body can even compare to???...MARILYN fucking MANSON!!!...i want to fuck him...that's all there is to it...

bored...

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 12:37:02 GMT

omfg...i'm sooo bored now...thanks to my dad...i'm basically failing summer school, so my mom decided i didn't have to go anymore because it would be pointless...and my dad wakes me uop this morning at like 5:45 and he's like yelling at me to get ready...so then i'm finally awake...and he comes in and he's like "shit chris, i didn't realize you weren't going to school anymore, sorry for waking you up, you can go back to bed now"...and i couldn't fall back asleep so here i am typing even slower than usual...this thursday should prove interesting though...fun fun fun...oh by the way, i love that pretty girls make graves cd...it feels weird though, it's like not even my kind of music, but i love listening to it...but anyways...i'm going to go eat a bagel or two...peace out my homies

yes...alright

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 04:44:50 GMT

i have one thing to say right now...KISS AND POISON KICKED AAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!...good night

thumb...

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 02:25:01 GMT

my thumb hurts really bad...ask marli...i'm sure she'd be more than happy to tell you all about how she kicked off my thumbnail...

hypicrite

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 04:54:53 GMT

well...i just realised that on thursday, i turned myself into THE BIGGEST hypocrite in the whole "god"-damn world...chad, you know what i am talking about...but i guess that's what being a complete idiot is all about...well anyways...i was just sitting here, bored, with nothing to do, thinking about that...and i felt like killing four minutes to type this...bye

poem thingy...

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 02:53:19 GMT

the following is going to be a poem i guess...i'm just going to make it up as i go along...

my insides come outside
i taste the sweet lining
my stomach is pouring
with moaning and whining

collaps to my knees
try to hold in the tears
choking myself
with my own darkened fears

why do i bother
with boredom and hate
when all that there is now
is cold dimming fate

telling myself that
it's bad isn't working,
the way that i had it,
the pain is just lurking

finding an exit
whenever it can
my hate consumes me
with my own bloodied hand

...damn i'm sooo bored...if only i had money...then i wouldn't be sitting here with no money...i would then have money, and therefore would be sitting here WITH money...i need cash...i'll take what i can get though...i guess i'll just sell an old friend that tempts me...he deserves to die...

stupid thinking...

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 00:08:20 GMT

i hate the fact that i think about things too much more deeply than i should be...i hate the fact that i can never take a break from being serious around a select few people...i hate that someone is so beautiful...i hate that i am invited then practically ignored...i hate that you make stupid assumptions...i hate how pretty that face is...i hate my mind...i hate the way that they stare and make faces when there are much worse people all around them...i hate the fact that i don't have the slightest chance...i hate that you can only see the good things about me...i hate that you've become attached to caring about me...i hate when i am complimented...i hate that you can't just understand that i care for you the same, if not more, than you care about me...i hate that precious smile...i hate guilt...i hate my body...i hate being able to think...i hate that i can't just be there and have that be it...i hate feeling...i hate worrying...i hate the false hopes that i get when people talk to me...i hate that i have so much to not do that i'm sitting here typing all this...i hate abbrieviations...i hate religion...i hate churches...i hate priests and priestesses...i hate crucifixes...i hate symbolic memories...i HATE love...i hate life...i hate lights...i hate it when people smoke...i hate throwing up to pretend to look at least decent for the people who don't notice anyways...i hate "white-noise"...i hate hearing noises in my head when it's dark all around me...i hate my habits...i hate my hands...i hate my veins...i hate how perfect you are...i hate how people can decieve me, and fool me into thinking that they care when they don't...i hate it when people, anyone feels sorry for me...i hate feeling sorry for myself all of the time...i HATE me...i HATE me...i HATE me...if hate is such a strong word, then think of how i feel right now...but DO NOT feel any fake sympathy, empathy, or any other kind of bull-shit like that, because I DO NOT WANT IT!!!...keep it all inside, don't let your feelings out to anyone because no one wants to hear, then tell me how YOU feel...i am NOT sorry to those of you who have chosen to actually read all of this...i hate sadness, so don't give it to me unless you are one of two people...you know who you are, if you don't, then oh well, live with it like everyone else does...bye